Imagine the New Year

Last night at a Selichot service, the rabbi asked us to close our eyes and imagine what we want in the new year, who we want to be, what super power we would want to have. First of all, Selichot is basically the precursor to the big holidays of Rosh HaShanah (the Jewish new year) and Yom Kippur (the day of atonement). On Selichot we begin the work self-reflection (or you can begin with the beginning of the month of Elul, which we're already near the end of) - seeing where we "missed the mark" in terms of being a good person, achieving goals, etc. That's one thing I love about Hebrew/Judaism is they literally use an archery term for "sin," with the idea that you can get better with practice; you aren't destined to burn for one bad thing, no chance to make it up.

So anyway, the thoughts that came to me last night for the new year were 1) I want to be a writer, have my voice heard through writing books, and 2) I answered the super power question with "I want to heal others." That second one surprised me, since usually I'd say like "fly" or "be invisible" haha. Though I believe he did say something like "super power towards other people," so that's where healing came from. Except I wouldn't do it in the doctor/medicine sense. My sense again was tied to writing, humor, and entertainment. I want to make people laugh or even feel a catharsis through making them cry. That's nothing different from before; I've always wanted to entertain others, but it was a new thought to think of it as healing.

Direction?

After I went home from the service, I did journaling based on questions I'd seen in the special High Holy Days prayer book (I took a phone picture of the page). One was to examine deeds and direction. At least in doing this, I realized I'm not totally for myself alone. I've volunteered for ritual body washing a few times this year, I've organized 20-30s events, I made gifts for tons of coworkers and friends, donated to stuff like public radio and Planned Parenthood monthly. Of course I can do more volunteering; I can always do more. But the reflection helped me realize how hard on myself I really am.

As for the direction, if I stay in my current life and nothing changes, then it just appears like I'm some super Jew that only does stuff for the Jewish community, based on my job, the stuff I volunteer for and plan, the majority of my friends... The direction I want though would include more travel, more acting-related activities, conferences, work, more writing, more broad cultural stuff. Like it's been nice to grow in my Judaism, because I was not raised religiously, and I have a foundation for it now in the last eight years, a good education. It's time to focus again on the wider world in this new year, like get back to animal shelter volunteering for example.

There's not many cheits ("missed the mark" sins) coming to mind for this year that I didn't already apologize for. I could work on being less blunt or short with people when angry - but it's a conundrum for me, because I'm also practicing showing anger. I'm in control of my anger, and I'm practicing showing it on my face and in my voice, rather than remaining stoic as I did in childhood as a defense mechanism against parents "sensing a tone" in my voice and impending punishment. So I purposefully want to be short with people, to show annoyance when they've crossed a boundary, asked me for too much, aren't observing that I'm already stressed, etc. I think I'll continue in this direction further before seeing when I need to ease back to find the middle way.

The goal for anyone, really.

Really what needs the most repair in the new year is my self-confidence and awareness of what's normal. Like I mentioned earlier, I continue to be hard on myself and am 99% of the time unaware what that really means. This is due to I don't know what "my best" really is, so am I doing my best, or should I go to sleep? Did I do my best take, or should I do three more audition takes to see if there's a better one? But then, doing more takes often leads to worse takes... Am I doing a good job volunteering my time/donating my money, or should I be without free time, without extra money, give it all away? Is that my best? Mussar and Buddhism teach for a middle way, but how will I get over the guilty feeling that I'm not doing enough? I think the answer is building up self-confidence.

In the poem "The Road Not Taken," the subject person says the road he chose was better because he chose it; they were both fine roads, but he had to choose one. Later in life, he knows he'll be coming up with reasons for why he chose it, like that it was "the one less traveled by," though the two were "really about the same." So is that my destiny too, that I'll just have to make decisions and say "Yes, I did do enough" and come up with reasons for why it was enough volunteer hours, enough money donated, enough emotion in the audition, etc.? I guess so. One workshop I did this summer with casting director Andy Roth, he basically said, "The audition is perfect because you did it." Like, provided you made conscious choices, if you committed to those, then the audition is perfect... we'll just never know what the directors thought of the choices unless they booked us.

Ugh, it's annoying. I want a guidebook, someone to tell me "volunteer X number of hours, spend X amount of money on charity, do X kind of read for that audition, and you'll have lived life right." I want someone to tell me I'm doing well, to tell me if I need to venture downtown more often or should be saving money more, if I need a new friend group or am perfectly place with my current friends. I'm so often preoccupied with wasting my life; I'm turning 35 soon, and what do I have to show for it, legacy-wise? I've provided animals with homes, people with music and entertainment, friends and family with gifts, students with English. So nothing that would make a history book, but at least I haven't been a worthless human haha. God, I am hard on myself.

Anyway, maybe I'll start with accomplish-able new year's goals like "once a month at the animal shelter," "write for 10 minutes a night," and "go out to one new bar once a month" (in the hopes of meeting my future husband). I'll continue to show anger and voice it (but not yell).