The Jewish new year of Rosh HaShanah (literally "head of the year") was Wednesday night through Thursday night (or Friday night if you're really Orthodox or Conservative Jewish). Just like with the secular new year (or Gregorian one?), thoughts of change, returning to who you are, and such arise throughout the services. One song by Shlomo Carlebach says "return to who you are, return to what you are, return to where you are born and reborn again." I'd like to make that my topic today. This is a reflection activity anyone can do.
Return To Who You Are and to What You Are
For me, the who and what questions kind of become the same answers. Who or what am I?
Physical answers: I am a short, brown-haired, hazel-eyed woman. I am of Eastern European-Jewish descent. I am small and yet surprisingly strong. I am healthy.
Relational answers: I am a daughter, a sister, a twin, a niece, a granddaughter. a friend, a coworker, a subordinate.
Job/hobby answers: I am a musician, a French horn player, an actress, a painter, a seamstress, a leather craftswoman (apprentice sort of anyway), an embroiderer, an artist, a singer, a dungeon master, a gamer.
Personality answers: I am intelligent, blunt, painfully honest, known for one-liners, organized, seemingly quiet but mostly just listening, creative, on time, efficient with time, a planner, empathetic (though sometimes remaining aloof on purpose to save me from feeling too deeply), resourceful, flexible with plans and food, adaptable to new situations, and so many more things.
So what do I need to return to? I feel like I've done a good job this year remaining true to myself and allowing for all of these things. What I do need to find a way to return to is doing things without fearing consequences, as a child would. Specifically, I would like to be able to do things and then apologize later, rather than anticipating another's anger and thus saying nothing. A small example would be in Dungeons and Dragons playing; I'd like to just have my character do something without me fearing the wrath of another player or them thinking I'm hogging the spotlight. If a thought comes to me, like in improv, I'd like to act on it. Of course I'll keep a check on if I'm doing too much, because in a group of six players, everyone needs a chance to be memorable and act first. But for this coming out of fear, I might have to swing the pendulum the other way and become the "first reactor" multiple times and even annoy others until I learn the right balance.
Return To Where You Are Born And Reborn Again
Where am I born and reborn again? In acting with others. The story my sister and I did from middle school through college greatly renewed me for the next day. Now that has been taken over by Dungeons and Dragons as well as improv classes. If I don't get to act with other people and create a story, I feel sad.
Stories in general too, reading them, listening to them on audiobook, playing them as video games. It renews my sense of "I can write too" and happiness for the author that they got this finished and out, giving me hope I can do so.
I feel renewed when I can have a day of doing nothing but being at home with my cats and video games, nothing in my schedule but sleeping in, having leisurely tea, and such. I feel renewed whenever I go to temple too, seeing everyone and hearing the music. I don't care for all the God praising, but I like the melodies of the prayers.
Do I need to return to any of these places? I already do them regularly. I guess I can make more effort to regularly return to where my parents and sister are in Texas, another rejuvenating thing.
In the end, I guess it's all about awareness, something I've been practicing for several years now. I know who I am and where I am reborn again. It's just a matter of keeping those things up so I don't lose myself or allow anyone else to influence me again.
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